I wonder what it is behind this innate quality of mine to strive for the best. A lot of the time, at least. And often I don't perceive a clear distinction between the best and my best. The waters are murky and gray. I wonder what I'm battling. Self-perception? Probably not. Self-perception of others' perceptions? Perhaps. I shall have to delve deeper. Get to the bottom of this sooner or later. One of these days. Soon.
That word. Gray. Looks American. While 'grey' looks British. Just an observation.
I respect tradition, in general. Specifically and especially tradition when it comes to style. But I only follow it if I respect enough the person holding up the tradition. Like. In violin for example. During Lizzie/Peter year I paid attention to minute details and made sure to emulate as much of a professional aura as I could, because that's what is expected out of any decent orchestral musician, but during Jamie year I could care less. Lay back, slouch and talk. It didn't matter. Well that probably had to do with the difference in where I sat, but that's for another day.
I wonder why so many people out there learn only for school, learn only for the grades. And not because they like learning. I like learning. So the concept of "learning" so one can 'get that A' or whatever is one I find both foreign and despicable. Some Latin quote goes "non scholae sed vitae discimus" - we learn not for school, but for life. Amen.
I think I'm overrated. Listening to just a fraction of Lucinda's many accomplishments listed on her college app to a really prestigious university made me think, Oh wow, hey it's junior year already, and what have I done? What have I done with my time? That happens in homework too. I haven't really procrastinated this year, at least not really badly, nothing bad enough to be counted as procrastination, just a few things left till the last minute. But still, at times I don't feel like doing homework, and I sit around and laze in front of the computer and waste time. And I hate it when that happens, but it's so hard to not. So.. I'm going to stay away from the computer more from now on. Promise. I've let God down so much with promises relating to time, let's see if I can keep this one?
I think I influence myself a lot. That doesn't really make sense. But when I was seven I was taught in Chinese school one Saturday that Chinese people liked red for reasons relating to tradition and custom. And later on that night we had some sort of family friend gathering at my house. And someone asked me my favorite color. I'd never thought of it before. And I said red. I chose red. I chose it to be my favorite color. Because of tradition? I don't know. But it can't be totally that, I don't think so. Cuz when I look at things, the red ones attract me first. Or maybe that's one of those psychological things. It'd be interesting to read up more on that in spare time.
I've never been attracted to green. Don't know why. People say it's easy on the eyes, but ..?
I'm scared of domesticated animals. For some reason. That is yet unknownst to me. I saw a picture of a few goats in my bio book today and my heart caught in my throat. To be metaphorical. But really. Scary. I don't know. I'm scared of animals that look like they don't have really developed brains (meaning they're kinda really slow) and thus they'll rush at you at any moment. Eww.
I don't like mindless chatter, not usually at least. I suppose it's entertaining and stress-relieving at times. Rare occasions. But really. I choose not to engage in it. Not with most people, at least. But sometimes I wonder the difference between sharing one's emotions and engaging in.. worthless talk. Because some people do manage to go deeper when .. gossiping. Is this all mindless chatter? I hope not. I'd rather consider it analyzation of self, reflection, what's that word.. introspection.
Ideals, principles, what are countries and other institutional frameworks built on? Much is compromised for the 'public good' usually.
It's junior year. Meaning SATs and APs and the related. Where are we? High school's halfway over. We're running towards that home stretch now. It scares me that I'm so.. uneducated when it comes to colleges and the like. Everyone (generalizing here) wants to go to a UC. I.. don't know. I think I'd rather not, but what will happen remains to be seen.
Hm. Think that one of, if not the worst, feeling in the world, is disappointing someone. At least if it's the other way around you can say you weren't directly involved. But if you disappoint someone, it's usually your fault. Like even if the other person had expectations way too high, you could have done something. You could have been closer, for one thing. Ahh. Don't like expectations imposed. Excuse the vagueness. It is intentional.
Lots of I's here. Ahh. Whatever. Once in a while. For one thing, I like how I wrote this post for myself. Like, just me. Just to think and ponder. Just because I wanted to, need to, don't know.
Good bye for now. I don't understand how some people survive on like 2-3 hours of sleep a day. I can do like.. 5, but having that number dip for an extended period of time would be like.. death. Hah. I wonder what my conception of death is, if I'm comparing no sleep to death, even lightly.
Okay really now, good bye. Need to go do some homework. Or finish it up.
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